This morning, I broke my baby's car seat. Me being a little big heavy handed led to its first class ticket to the on site skip.
This £125 car seat has served me well. It brought my babies home safely from hospital, it's kept them safe on numerous journeys and school runs, and now that this car seat has let's just see "seen better days" it's symbolised something so much bigger.
In the grand scheme of things it's something very little. My baby boy has now moved to his big boy car seat, the car seat that will (I hope) keep him safe for the next three years. Now that we don't have the car seat, the three bases were now surplus to requirements so it was off to Gumtree for them. Within minutes all three bases were snapped up, off to happy new families starting their new chapters. For me, it's another chapter over and I should be happy but I can't help but feel a little bit sad.
The car seat breaking and the sale of the three bases symbolised for me the pretty big fact that the two children that sat in that car seat will be my only two and the heart wrenching realisation that I will never have a girl. I will never be mother of the bride. I won't have pink plastic crap replacing one day the primary coloured crap that fills my lounge. I won't be able to debate whether to buy tights with squirrels on the toes or to buy or not to buy the pretty cloud cardigan I spied at M&S today.
It's for this that I am sad. Actually I'm pretty gutted about it.
I love my boys with ALL of my heart and I am so very very grateful for them but if I'm really honest with myself I would love another one, I would also love a girl, as a mum of two boys any woman in my situation I am sure could relate, and I know Tom would too (the third child bit!) but the small issue of our financial situation puts a halt to this. If money wasn't an object a third child wouldn't even be questioned, it would be a given.
Many people would say "you just cope" or "you just muddle along", "go on, have another one" but for us that third baby would mean compromises on more than one level that we just cannot justify. This is where our sensible heads completely take over. I would have to leave my job that I LOVE. Soaring childcare costs means that if we had a third it would also signal the end to my career, part of what defines me as me. Our lifestyle would change massively. As a family of four we are now able to enjoy a Summer holiday, a trip or two to our beloved St. Ives as well as being able to give our children the childhood we want them to have. As much as I would love a third, I'm not prepared to have my boys miss out just because I long for a third child or I want a girl, even though I know they would make marvellous big brothers.
It's amazing how that small act of my car seat breaking and selling my bases has evoked such strong emotions. Mad really.
I guess in a weird round about way I am mourning a child or a little girl that I never had. Completely and utterly ridiculous I know.
I know a lot of people will think my views are selfish I have two healthy boys what can she possible whinge about? Hey, there are women out there who cannot have one child let alone two and I TOTALLY get that and they are entitled to feel like that but for me I'm still trying to get my head around that this is it. It's now time to get over it. Hey, I hadn't even thought about it properly until today!
My boys are my world. This weekend they've been incredible. They are the most loving and caring boys any mother could wish for and their relationship between one another is one that cannot be broken. They are such fun. They are great fun. Everyday there is something new and what I know for sure is that I am LOVING every single minute.
Being a mum to boys is phenomenal. Without them I would not know what I know today. I'm very knowledgeable in dinosaurs for example. Bogies, boogers, farts, stink pops and stinky poos no longer bother me and I've loved to appreciate a gift of a bogie from a small toddler that of one of sheer affection. I've learnt that little pops of pink throughout my home are like massive progress. My boys are fab and I am one very very lucky mum and I shall be sad no more.
So, as I say goodbye to that car seat I say "Hello" and embrace the next set of adventures that will accompany our family in our new old car seat and who knows one day I might get a granddaughter and then I really will be able to go wild with pink!
Lots of love,
Nathalie X
